Today is Thanksgiving Day here in Canada. At first I didn't feel much like celebrating anything. This wave of depression that has swept over me is drowning me. Alan decided that a drive up the river to Sarnia would be nice, so off we went. As we were driving along, I said to him, I am so thankful for this van, and I really meant it. God gave us quite a blessing when he blessed us with that vehicle. It has been very stable, not nickle and diming us to death like so many used vehicles are wont to do. It also get great gas mileage. Of course after I made that statement he replied about how thankful he was that the van was so reliable and good on gas etc. It just seemed to start a flood of thankfulness. We both started listing the things we were thankful for and considering it lasted for the entire hour's drive, we really have a lot to be thankful for.
One would think that with so much to be thankful for, that would lift all the depression but instead it just seemed to drive me farther into it. Ungrateful wrench that I am. I should be singing from the rooftops about how good God has been to me (and He has been wonderfully good) instead here I sit in the deepest of dungeouns.
I think right now if I were a coward I would take all my pills and end everything for once and for all. Since I am not a coward, I will face whatever comes and I will trust God to be there with me and help me through it. I want this to be over I am sick of it.
2 comments:
I know that I'm late, but Happy Thanksgiving! I'm glad that you found things to be thankful for even in your low spot. I've been thinking of you a lot recently and I had wanted to share some words that someone shared with me when I was at my very lowest and was having thoughts of harming myself, but I didn't know if I should. But then last night as I was reading other people's blogs those same words were on three different blogs and I'm taking that as a sign that I should share them with you.
When I was at my lowest point, someone told me that Satan uses your weaknesses to try to enter you and you have to fight back against him. I was able to visualize that and with God's love and the help of some meds, I was able to fight back.
I don't know if that message will give you any comfort or if you'll think I'm crazy, but I feel like God wanted me to pass that message on to you. I'm praying for you.
What a perfect message, Sarah! It is so true. Satan likes to whisper lies and deceits to us through our weaknesses and uses them to pull us farther and farther down. Fighting is REALLY hard when its always the sore spot on your heart that is being attacked.
God never promised us it would be easy. But did always promise us victory. I find it really hard NOT to try and fight the battle alone. I feel that I need to be the defending myself against the attacks. In reality, if I let Him, He will not only defend me, but do some attacking of His own!
Mom: I am glad that you are starting to pull out of your slump. It's good to hit the bottom, and find that it's not as far down as it used to be, (not with God there catching you!), and with Him lifting you up, you do not even have to worry about trying to claw and climb your way out! I have to say, I'm surprised and proud of you.
God will continue to Bless you mom, and He will turn your weaknesses into His strengths.
Your Daughter,
Janet
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