Sunday, February 24, 2013

Depression Hurts!!!

Yes it does!! It not only hurts me but it hurts everyone around me. It also hurts my bosses, sometimes I wonder why they haven't fired me yet because I miss more time than I actually work. Just in case you don't know what depression is like, let me explain it to you.
I wake up in the morning... no I don't that's a lie, I don't wake up til about noon or one. I don't want to get out of bed and sometimes I don't bother. When I do, I don't want to do anything other than play on the computer but there is only so much playing you can do. I want to scrap but my mind won't wrap itself around that concept.. I sit there and nothing comes to me so I try to force myself and I waste paper after paper trying to do something. So I go back to bed and I lie there for a little while but my mind goes crazy thinking of things, weird things. All the things that could happen, all the things that I don't have answers for and probably never will. Then I start getting scared because I don't know the answers. I start worrying about the future, about today because I am not feeling right and I can't think right. Then I start getting really really scared so I get out of bed and go back to the computer.. by now I can't play the games because I am too upset so I just wander around read the blogs but I even though I understand what is written on the blogs I can't absorb what they are saying because my mind is not able to process the words properly.
I have entered so many contests just for something to do.. I may have won them but because I have entered so many that I have no idea where I entered them to go back to check.

Alan will suggest we go out somewhere, maybe to the store, now I panic.. no NO NO.. I can't go out. I can not go out of the house, that is not something I can do. Some one might see me or even worse, someone might speak to me. I can't handle that concept. So I go back to bed again. The children (fur babies) both come and cuddle with me, they know something isn't right. Jack licks one side of my face while Lucky licks the other side.. both of them are upset. Alan sits in the living room watching TV.. but he is worried.. he is constantly asking me questions, just to keep me talking. I know what he is asking but I don't understand him. I am frustrated because he keeps talking to me about something I have no idea what he is talking about. I just want him to shut up.. but I want him to keep talking because I like to hear his voice to know I am not dead yet.

I want my daughter.. she can't be all grown up and married.. I need her. I really NEED her. I want her to come and stay with me but she can't, she works full time plus she has a husband and five children. Now I become selfish.. I don't care, I still want her. She is the only one who ever understood me. She is the only one who can give me comfort. I am angry with her for getting married and leaving me. Why did she do that? She knew I needed her. I love her so much that sometimes it hurts. Of course I love my grandchildren too. Ahhh, she comes to visit...oh it is so good to see her, to talk to her to have her hold me.. to just hold me tight, I feel so good. I almost feel normal just having her with me.
Panic, she has to leave. But she promises me the two oldest grandchildren will come and stay with me for the March break.
I won't be alone.
She doesn't want to leave but she has to. I understand that much, but it so hard to say goodbye so I do it quickly and shut the door. I go back to bed and cry myself to sleep.
Depression hurts!

In the meantime I have managed to so some work in my art journal. I tend to pour my soul into those pages. Everything is given for us to do, I just have to do it so it is easier than scrapbooking a layout.

Openness we were told to us shaving foam and oh my goodness that was messy. I loved the way it turned out though.

For Possibilities we were to alter a Photo.. I am not really happy with the way this turned out.. I did enjoy the altering of the photo though.

Qualities we were supposed to use the wax resist technique but here is where my ability to process instructions went awry instead I used the mists and plastic wrap technique which has become one of my favourite techniques. I was happy with the outcome anyway.

For Responsibilities we were to stamp through a stencil. Now I used a couple of techniques on this one, I was having a good day and kinda got carried away. I love the results.

Self-Image was a tough one to do because I have no self-image at all. However the technique was to emboss a figure which really turned out great, I also did the wax resist on the tag.

The Technique for Try was to either stamp a border or use a stencil, I used a stencil and then embossed it. I also did some doodling.

That's it for now, have a great week.


Dryad said...

I love you, mommy! It was great to come and see you again, and to bring my two eldest with me. I loved going through your art book. Turning the pages of your soul and seeing the beauty that lies there.

While I may be far away and not there to hold you and remind you that everything will be heart is with you.

I love you, Mommy.

SusieJ said...

So sorry to hear you're feeling down Jackie.
I love your journal pages.
Sending hugs xx

Colleen said...

Jackie I wish the Lord would heal you from your depression and I will continue to pray for you. You know I love you.

Pat said...

Jackie I love seeing your journal pages. They are made with love & it shows through.
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a bad time, I will have you in my prayers & hope your depression will lift soon.