Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Excitement Mounts

When I was a young girl I had a beautiful baby boy. I got to hold him one time and that memory lingers forever in mind. I named him Christopher Blair. I was however, not capable of raising a baby at that time and I wanted what was best for him so I gave him up for adoption. I have spent 39 years being torn apart over that decision, was it right or was it wrong. Could I have managed, should I have tried.. No, I wasn't able to, but I might have.. back and forth, back and forth. After I got married and I got pregnant, I was terrified I would have a boy, because I knew that I couldn't handle that. No one could replace Blair in my heart and I wouldn't be able to raise him. The nurse's kept telling me that once the baby was born it wouldn't make any difference that I would see, everything would be all right. When the baby was born, the nurse said, "congratulations Jackie, you have a beautiful baby boy" my heart died, and I said "take him away, I don't want him"... I just couldn't look at him, my baby boy was gone and no one else could take his place. The nurse quickly said, "I was just teasing you, it is a girl.

Janet grew up knowing that she had a brother somewhere out there. That couldn't be helped because even though someone else had him, he was still a part of me. I never fully let him go.

I registered on all the free online adoption search sites. I got a couple of hits but once we exchanged facts we found they lead to nowhere. Then the 30th of September a Search Angel sent me an email and informed me of the fact that I could download a form from the internet to mail to ServiceOntario requesting information about his adoption. I sent that form in on the first of October and received the information back on the 12th of October. I now know my son's name is Rodney Allan Schwartz. I did a search on Facebook and came up with one and sent him a message, still haven't heard back from that one. I did a search on Canada 411 and came up with 38 R. Schwartz's in Ontario. I have mailed a letter to each of them. I have heard back from one so far.

I keep reminding myself that he may not even live in Ontario, or that he may not be listed but that doesn't keep me from being hopeful and stressed. Everytime the phone rings my heart goes crazy and everytime the computer dings indicating email I almost run to the computer.

What if he doesn't want a reunion? That worries me too. But, I have one thing that keeps hope up there. My sister in law told my other sister in law that a man contacted her earlier this summer saying that he was searching for his birth mother and he believed that she was a Primmer. However, she knew nothing about it so she couldn't help him. :( Sometimes it doesn't help to keep secrets.

In the meantime I have been doing a little scrapping but not very much though. I have also been busy at work. Gotta get those hours in, Christmas is coming and I am getting my lists from the grand children. LOL

I finished off the Botanical Garden photos with these two double pagers.
Click on the image to see a larger version.

I am now working on the Butterfly Conservatory.


Colleen said...

Beautiful layouts and I will be praying you again get to see your beautiful little boy.

Bev said...

OMG Jackie.. what an amazing story... crossing my fingers for you to see your baby boy again... that would be fabulous. The layouts are also amazing .. such beautiful photos on amazing pages.. congrats

melody said...

what beautiful los chickie! lovin all those flower pics..just gorgeous!

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